I am not sure if any of you ever heard of this term, since I know not many people around me know about these kind of things, nor majority of them (especially people in my country) wants to search it up *sarcastic :p* . Nevertheless, I want to share what 'demisexual' is, and I am sure this sharing could give a lot of benefit to you as well. Let's see if you are actually one - like me.
Yes, I am a demisexual. I started to know about this term was when I was 19 years old, whereby an online friend of mine shared an article about demisexuality. I was really glad she shared it! At least, it answered tons of questions in my head that I had built since my high school days.
When I was in high school, my friends started to talk about boys, love and crushes. Honestly, I didn't really understand the hype of the conversation nor did I know how it feels to be in love. I never had any crushes to any boys throughout my school life. I don't even understand what make my friends think a guy can be so hot. Also why my online friends always say something along "Look at this guy. He is so hot, I could even agree to bang with him." (Ehem. Not really appropriate, but most of my online friends are from other the countries and not a Muslim, so I hope you can understand why they said so). I don't understand them. When they asked for my type preference, or if this guy hot or not, all I did was shrug, not knowing which part of the guy looks appeal to them. There was one time a guy told to my face that I am heartless because I never seems to fancy any of them.
At first I thought it was 'normal' for being so and I thought my school life was still long way to go and maybe one day, I will finally understand all of it... but even on my last year of high school, I really never come to any asnwers to my questions. I started to question myself if I am really 'normal'? I even started to question if I was straight all along. I was scared obviously. Not knowing about myself sucks.
I had never heard of the term " demisexual " - it was either allosexual and asexual. I never know there was an in-between until an online friend of mine shared an article about it in facebook. Later, it compelled me to do further research what is demisexuality and suddenly it all make sense to me.
What is Demisexual?
A demisexual person do not feel sexual attraction to someone unless she or he has first developed a deep emotional connection to them. That doesn’t mean they will become attracted to everyone they get that bond with, but it is a prerequisite. Compared to most of general population, most demis rarely feel sexual attraction. Some have little to no interest in sexual activities. When a demisexual person has established an emotional connection to someone (feelings of romantic love or deep friendship), only then will demi experience sexual attraction and desire, but only to specific partner or partners.
It is not that a demisexual is picky in choosing partner, they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship formed. Being demisexual does not mean a person is not into sex. It means a person is not into sexual activity unless the context is right.
As you might assume, demisexuality has kind of stunted our ability to be in relationships. While we are open to casual dating in theory, it does not really appeal to people like us. Since we do not know the person, we feel no attraction to them and do not care to date them. Because we are not usually interested in the men/women around us, we do not really make an effort to flirt with them or to encourage them to flirt with us. We still want a relationship as much as the next person, but it’s a lot harder for us. Most people use dates to get to know the person, whereas a demisexual person need to really connect with someone on a much deeper level to even want to date them.
Want to know signs that can identify if you are a Demisexual or not?
I can only list out just some though.
Yeah sure, we actually can identify if a guy or a girl is very good looking or not, but we just do not feel sexually attracted to them. Our usual response are "Okay, he is good looking guy/girl.... but then? What's the deal? What's the need to hype for?"
2. Most of your relationships started with friendships
Stranger is out of the question. You are hardly to get sexual attraction towards stranger or even care to date them. Completely getting to know a potential partner is of immense importance to demisexuals, they often find themselves developing feelings for their friends. Which could mean, most, if not all, of your relationships blossom out of friendships.
That also means that a demisexual also get into the 'friendzone' a lot. LIKE A FREAKING A LOT. This is like the favourite spot for a demisexual since unrequited crushes or romantic relationship have been born of 'no agenda' friendship`. At least a few friendships have gotten awkward in situations when the feelings went un-reciprocated, although we find that we can usually work past it to preserve a friendship. Spare our heart, please :')
3. People might have called you 'Prude' or 'Ice King/Queen' or 'Heartless' or etc.
If those around you have called you “old-fashioned” or accused you of being a “prude” when it comes to sex and dating (whatever the heck that even means anymore…you should always do you, whatever that may be), it could be because of your demisexuality. Demisexuals aren’t usually super sexually active and aren’t generally interested in one-night-stands (because again, they need to know someone well before feeling a strong attraction).
4. It's a big deal when you like someone
It's not often that you're attracted to anyone in the first place, so when you feel that way, the feeling is monumental. You don’t go around crushing on lots of attractive guys, so when you feel something for one of them it’s a huge deal because it’s so rare! Everyone seemed to think we'd all grow out of "having crushes" in adulthood that had the same intensity as the ones we had in junior high or high school, but if anything, yours only seem to have more depth to them than they did when you were younger. Your friends might call you old-fashioned for how you can turn attraction into something really important as well as stick to liking just one guy, but it’s just the way you are.
5. You get a natural high out of quality conversations.
You are more turned on by a long night of a seamless conversation with a single person than you would be by a long night in the bedroom with someone. While everyone’s out there getting laid, you’re keen on having a really deep, mentally-stimulating chat with a guy. You love exploring people’s minds and personalities. Communication is very important to you because you know that it’s key to building strong emotional connections.
6. You don't always understand your friends' conversation
You find it really hard to relate with your friends in matters that concern sex and relationships. When your friends are gushing about how they’d love to shag a Hollywood star or the sexy waiter at their favorite restaurant, you just don’t get it. Words like “hot” or “sexy” are confusing to you because you tend to see people in other ways, such as charming, kind, or attractive. You notice and describe men according to their personality traits much more than how they look. This is purely because you take a very unique and rare approach to relationships and so that’s why you often find yourself alone on an island.
7. Usually, you are not a fan of physical touch
Some of you are not a fan of hugs, touch and etc. Physical intimacy, even with someone you’ve gotten to know, can be uncomfortable and make you feel a bit anxious. You’d rather have a conversation or get to know someone personally rather than feel them up. Sometimes you find these feelings overwhelming and unbearable.
8. When you are sexually attracted to someone, you’re either confused or single-minded.
Because you don’t feel sexual attraction very often, you struggle when you do feel it. When you get a strange, fluttery feeling around someone, it confuses you. Once you realize you’re in love, you also realize one other thing: you can’t imagine being in love with anyone else other than that person. If you’re being honest with yourself, that’s more terrifying than anything else you’ve ever experienced in your life.
That's all I could share
No matter how strange it all sounds, demisexuality is completely valid. It’s less common, yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s less real. Demisexuals’ relationships are no more or less valid than anyone else’s, and people like me have just as much of a chance of experiencing happy and successful partnerships as anyone else.
If you think someone you know might be demisexual, save them some of the trouble I had to go through in discovering and embracing my obscure identity. Let them know you’re OK with them being who they are. Just because someone feels sexual attraction differently from you does not mean either person is wrong.
Hope this entry could give you something.
Thanks for reading!