"You cannot go into battle believing you will lose."

Akisame Koetsuji
(Kenichi: The Mightiest Disciple)
Am I broken Apart?
No, this is not about my broken heart because of the ex-crush of mine. lol. I am not even at the 'in love' stage yet so there is no way Im going to be miserable just because of him.

Here the things:

Since the start of the 3rd semester, I don't think I am doing good. At first I have been stressed out with my assignments, handling class stuffs and also the works in the persatuan. I was doing okay at first, except been crying whenever I felt there were too much stress. Until, I'm not sure when it started, whenever I was with people, I can smile like I always do, laugh like usual, but when I was left alone, I started to cry for no reason. Like literally for NO REASON. 

My friends know that I have been very busy, they always say that I look so tired every time, but they don't know that I cried almost every night. The only person who knows about my state is my Mom because whenever I call her, I will burst into tears without a warning. Sometimes, our phone calls were just me sobbing. My Mom didn't say any word. 

I tried to express it with words, but I don't really understand it either.

I asked Intan the other day, "Have you realised that recently I didn't update much my story in instagram and whatsapp like I used to?"

I told her three reasons:
1. I don't have time
2. If I have time, I was too miserable to update one.
3. There were times I wanted to tell people for what I was feeling (for whoever read it), but I don't know how to describe the feelings either so I cancel it.

Then my condition worsen. I was so tired, even I got a good rest I still felt tired. Even little things irritated me. My mood swings easily. My mind was so miserable that there were times I could not think straight. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel up to do anything but I force myself anyway. Yet I keep on smiling and laughing. Some of my friends asked me if I was okay, at first I told them I was okay but later on I answered "Im not" but I kept on wearing a smile on my face. 

I even forgot Intan's birthday that I disappointed her. I felt really bad. I thought that I was a useless friend that can't even remember her best friend's birthday. 

Obviously I am not fine. 
Ironically even though I am not fine myself, people always come to find me to ask for opinions or listen to their problems. Funny isn't it? I try to help them with their problems meanwhile I can't even help with mine. 

Open up to friends? Im not trusting enough to show the weak side of me to them and Im not trusting enough that they will understand me either.

One day, at class, I probably have reached my limit in pretending. I think.
I burst into tears in front of a friend of mine. That is when she knows that I AM SO NOT OKAY. I told her that I have been crying for no reason at night. She advised me not to handle all things on my own. She said that I am too busy and need to loosen up. But I didn't told her everything. As I said, Im not trusting enough to open up.

That night I messaged Intan. I told her everything. Like I have been stressed out with workloads. Like I hate it when people give me expectations. Since both of my parents studied abroad in the USA, everyone always expect me to be as smart as my parents since I was a kid. Expect me to become as successful as them especially my Mom. Even at here, at the university, my friends expect that I could do anything. One of my classmates once said to me, " Semua kau boleh buat, Hana. Drawing pun lawa, painting pun lawa, public speaking pun boleh, editing pun kau terel, buat video pun kau boleh, apa je yang kau takleh buat? ". Because of that, they tend to rely on me. and there were more of them but lets just stop here.

Now, I feel much better but that doesn't mean I am okay.

new past