Hana

The Beginning

There were so much things had happened during the past few weeks. Now I have a doubt on myself if I can actually make it through everything.

The new semester just begun 2 weeks ago and I am right now in my third semester. Yes, it's the beginning for a brand new life, and yet, I am shaken already. I wonder if this semester will tire myself physically and mentally.

Remember the guy that I had crush with?

First, it is true, during my 5 months semester break he always contacting me; messages and calls. Second, he did asked me weird questions (like I wrote in my 'Friendzoned?' entry) starting last semester and on semester break as well. Third, he DID TELL ME he is seeing someone and the person is not even students from my university. So I took it as one-sided love on my part.

Okay. So what about it?

When the day I arrived at my university, he called me, wanted to meet up that night because he wanted to copy the anime that I promised him in our conversation on the semester break. I gave an okay, we meet up, and he brought along his another two friends (that love anime too. Ayye, we can make a squad). Well, I did actually mad at him a little bit for misleading me but it's my fault too for being 'perasan' lol. Then he suddenly asked me, "Hana kau okey tak?" and I was like "huh? Okey je?" He asked me couple of times and I just answered the same. He even asked me if I was mad. Ugh, was I that obvious? I don't think I am that mad to be honest. Okay la, tak ada apa sangat time ini.

For some health issues, I no longer can lift up any heavy stuff, do extreme activities, being too active in sports, cannot eat spicy food (but I dont give a damn haha). That guy knows about it but he seems not understand what kind of illness I have been into. So for the first week, I need to lift up heavy big table in my new studio (classroom for fine art), and I ignored all 'pantang larang doktor'. I lifted up that freaking tables for my freaking pride. Muahaha stubborn nak mati. Bukan nak minta tolong orang.

So that night, I feel the symptoms for getting the illness back. I regretted lifting up the tables that day. I mean, I just got better from it a week before my new semester started and now Im going to get it for the third times just because I lifted the tables. So I wrote my disappointment in my whatsapp's story. Later, I got a call from him.

Him : Hana kau angkat berat?

Me : hahaha kau baca story aku eh. Haah tadi masa kelas.

Him : Kau angkat dari kolej ke fakulti ke? (He sounds so damn worried)

Me : Eh tak! Meja tu dalam fakulti aku je.

Him : Oh... So kau ada barang lagi tak nak angkat?

Me : Ada. Tetapi lambat lagi aku nak angkat. 1 barang je.

Him : Bila kau nak angkat? (aku dah pelik dah sebenarnya masa ni)

Me : Hari Ahad kot. Nanti aku minta tolong kawan aku angkat sekali ngan aku.

Him : Eleh kau. Aku kenal dah kau ni, kau takkan minta tolong kawan kau. Kau ingat aku nak percaya? (Damn, he see me through)

Him : Tak apa, Ahad ini aku tolong kau angkat barang kau.

I became silent.

WHY YOU DO THIS. STOP GIVING ME FALSE HOPE.

I tried to decline, but he insisted to help me out. RIP heart.

But this was not the climax. The climax part goes to the things he was going to ask after that.

Him : Aku nak ajak kau keluar tengok wayang. Yang cerita IT aku mentioned hari itu.

Me : (okay, on that time, I thought dia ajak keluar ramai-ramai sebab sebelum ini memang macam itu) Oh, okay. Bila nak nak tengok?

Him : Jumaat ini? Petang.

Me : Dengan siapa?

Him : Kita berdua je.

Me : Kau serius ar?

Him : Aku memang selalu serius.

I went silent again. I guess, he knew that I was not comfortable with the idea, so he said, "Tetapi kalau kau nak ajak kawan kau sekali aku okey je". Our conversation ended with me saying "Tengok la macam mana".

So all the things above, did happened. IT DID HAPPENED. Yes, tengok wayang included. At first, I declined to go to the cinema sebab tak nak berdua. GILA KE. Ya la, kalau ikut hati, memang lah nak sebab kita dah memang suka dia tetapi otak cakap jangan. Plus, I know Allah see everything what Im doing. But he insisted, so he asked one of his girl friend to come along with us. But still, dude! So, are you seeing me just as friend or more than that? Dah ada orang itu, jangan lah sibuk bagi harapan dekat orang lain. Rasa nak carut tahu tak? Ini tak masuk yang dia memang tolong aku angkat barang aku ke fakulti itu. Aku nak benci pun tak boleh sebab dia dah banyak tolong aku. I realised that I am not that strong. Ey, aku nak move on, that guy senang-senang je tarik aku balik.

I want an opinion. I don't have expectation from this guy but he makes me want to expect more from him. What am I to him? Is he playing around? I need someone to tell me straight that he don't have a thing for me so that it much more easier for me to move on.

And about the wayang thingy, Allah tegur direct dekat aku. Tersedar terus.

--------------------------------------------

Another surprise.

This week, the president in the persatuan I joined, announced that I am one of the exco from now on.

I was dumb-founded. I am not even one of the secretariats so why am I getting an exco? He did asked me if I am okay being an exco, I wanted to decline it so badly but my mouth just shut. No answer. He took it as yes. Geez. Why am I like this. They seems to be on pinch and I feel bad for not helping them out.

I guess this semester I will become a workaholic as ever.

With the hellish course I am taking, and now my work load added with the persatuan's works.

I hope I can manage both my studies and co-curricular.

Labels: confession, confuse, hana corner, hanaflamehaze, opinion, ramble, random talk