"You cannot go into battle believing you will lose."

Akisame Koetsuji
(Kenichi: The Mightiest Disciple)
1 more Year to Finish Diploma.... probably?

I can't believe I am on my 4th semester now. The next semester going to be my last semester and then I will have my diploma show as a sign my diploma ends. 

Last year was a disaster. All my emotions were jumbled around. I kept it piling up that it ended with the negativity eating me alive. Depression? Nah, I don't think I am on that stage yet or I have one. But somehow, at least, even a little bit, I feel like I understand how hard people who have depression are going through. Like you know, you are physically okay but you are so hurt inside, it haunts you. You wanted to ask for help but don't know how to do it or makes you hesitate to find someone that can you can trust, that won't making fun of you. You don't even understand yourself why you have been this way. You don't have the actual scars to prove to people that you are not okay. It must been hard to those people. I hope they can make it, going through it and hope that they know they are wonderful people. I really do. 

I hope this year will be a better year... that's what Im hoping for. I am on my 5th weeks in my studies for the current semester, how was it going on my side for now? 

I resigned from having any position in my class. I told them I am too busy and I hope they can understand it. Well, they did hesitate about it (judging their reactions on my announcement), but I'm glad everything settled down already. I also resigned from being an exco in KASEH. To be honest, I was forced to take the position because of the votes. I actually rebelled a little bit, like I rarely went to the meetings and didn't join in any activities that was set for the club. I don't think it's my fault since I already told them in the beginning I don't want any position because my hands already full with a lot of things. I know I became unreasonable, but I wish people realised that they shouldn't put too much responsibility on a person. But, I still am an exco in U-FASI since the contract is 1 year contract. I think I can manage that much. I hope. 

March 13th, 2018 

It was the day for opening ceremony 4th semester fine art students art exhibition called 'Titik Lenyap'. I was in the Protocol Commitment. Can you imagine I was so busy on the first week of my study just to prepare for the this art exhibition? I even got into a fight with one of my close friend. Protocol tasks had stressed me out already, but this friend of mine didn't know much about her roles. She did asked me the things she should do and I taught her but it ended with I was the one who finished the jobs for her. To be conclude, I did two works. Of course I was mad. Probably the first time I went raged after so long lol. I felt so betrayed. I don't mind helping people, trust me I don't really mind. But what is the point in me helping people if they don't even want to help themselves. I know she is too shy for her own good, but she can't expect to be that way for the rest of her life. She doesn't want to overcome her weaknesses that it irritates me. She relied on me too much, that made me wondering, she, who is one of the person that close to me in the university, that see how broken I was last semester, knows how fragile I was despite my strong appearance, has she been thinking my condition at all? Furthermore, it feels like she took advantage of my kindness and the fact I was her close friend. I told her already about this, and yeah we are okay now, but I can't seem to treat her or to see her like I did before. I'm sorry girl. You just betrayed my trust on you and even until today no one could gained it back so you might not be the exception for it. Im really sorry. I know we should give people another chance, but for how long am I going to give the chances? I was glad the ceremony went well though. 

March 16th, 2018 

Raja Muda Perak came to our art exhibition. It was nerve wrecking. I MEAN THE ROYALTY ACTUALLY CAME TO OUR HUMBLE ART EXHIBITION. This is the first time I got to meet a royalty up close. Some of my friends' artworks were bought by the YBs that were coming. I am very happy for them. 

March 24th, 2018 

Went to see a doctor to check up my left hand. Since March 21st (Wednesday), I have been having a hard time in using my left hand. I am a left-handed so I used it a lot to do a lot of things. Almost everything I use my left hand. What had happened was, my left hand suddenly easy get tired. If I pushed it to do more, I will get the pain, it feels like the vein in my left hand was stretched. What worried me more, there is some kind of small existence in my left hand that other people don't have. 

So I went to see the doctor with mom that Saturday. The doctor said I has a bone spur in my left hand. Ayat mudah dia: tumbuh tulang atas tulang. She said I used too much of my left hand (in other word, overworking) that leads to this bone spur. The bone spur also affected the vein of my left hand that is why it's easily get tired. She said the hand need rest. 

The thing is, THERE ARE WHOLE LOT OF ASSIGNMENTS THAT NEED TO BE FINISHED IN A WEEK. Have to finish 10 drawings for one subject in a week is normal, so how can people expect me to rest my left hand if I need to submit the assignments every week. She said if its burdened me too much, then I should get a surgery. She recommended it though. 

I am afraid, of course. The overworking backfired. Plus, I am a fine art student, my hands is my greatest weapon. I kept on thinking how it will be turned out. What if I can no longer use my hand? 

Last week was a horrible week. I was left behind with a lot of things, it feels like Im the one who slowed my classmates down. I feel bad, especially when the lecturers asked me why I couldn't finished the assignments. But, if I push my left hand a little bit, I have to bear the pain myself. I don't want it worsen either. 

My mom told me, if I ever need to extend, I need to be ready to accept it. She said it's for my sake. I don't want that! I want to graduate together with my other friends. I cried that night. 

This April 5th, I will be going to examine it again in the hospital, whether I need to get a surgery, or there is other way to cure it. I hope there is another way so that I won't need to extend my studies.

Hope everything is alright. Hope everything is okay.

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