"Hana, kau ni suka sorang-sorang eh?" (Hana, you seems to like to be alone?)

Don't worry, my friend was not trying to be rude, she genuinely asked me out of curiosity. I asked her why, and she answered that unlike my other friends that I am close to, she always see me doing stuff on my own. For examples, I am fine with being in different group project with different people, and when deciding to join an elective subject, I don't mind to take a different subject and class from them. Actually, most of the elective classes that I took before, I usually got into the class where I know nobody in there. I saw new faces every time. Sometimes, I eat alone (most of the time I eat with my friends tho). The other day, I even went to solo trip from Kuala Lumpur to Perak by riding ETS. She said it was like I do everything solo lol.

If you asked if I am a loner, no, I am not. In fact I have a lot of friends.
If you asked if I like to be alone, honestly, I... don't know? yes and no?

There is a part of me that want to be alone. That's why there were times I went to shopping mall alone, have been watching movie in cinema alone a few times too, and sometimes I just want to be alone for the sake that I need time that only for my own.

But there is a part of me that seek company of others too. That's why I joined volunteering events that consist a lot of communication, hanging out with friends, and do crazy stuff together.

The thing is, people tend to be sorry when they see me do stuff alone. The judging eyes said, "why didn't you go with your friends? Don't you have friends?"

I have. But I don't want to.
I do these stuff alone because I feel like I need it, and I want it.
I am just perfectly entitled to simply not be in the mood to entertain someone throughout an activity. I feel like I need to be solitude in my own mind.

"Kau jarang share pasal diri kau. Aku dah kenal kau lama, tetapi entahlah. You know all my fav and my worries, but I know nothing about you. Kau selalu ada bila aku susah, but when concerning about you, sometimes you feel a bit distant. Macam ada fine line yang aku tak boleh across." ( You rarely share about yourself. I know you for a long time now, but I don't know. You know all my favourites and my worries, but I know nothing about you. You are always there for me when I need someone, but when it concerning you, sometimes you feel a bit distant. It's like there is a fine line that I couldn't across.)

This statement from a friend is like a bitter truth that slapping me hard in the face.
Honestly, I get that a lot, saying that I didn't share about myself, that there are times that they feel a bit distant from me, or I become a bit cold. I even got scolded by Jaja once when we went for girls date one time before, where she said that why I didn't talk about myself when it was rare for both of us to have time to hang out each other.

This is the truth, I realised it.
If I asked people around what is my favourite colour, my favourite drink and more, I don't think anyone can answer them, even my closest friends, other than my mom. I will be honest, I never tell my mom any of these either, but she knows them by watching me over. My actions, my behaviours, when I bought things, look at what kind of food I am eating every time, what drink I usually made or ordered. My action reflected my likes and dislikes. I am not saying that my closest friends know nothing about me, but I am saying that they will know only if they pay attention to what I am doing, because I will never tell them in person.

I have that tendency actually, my concerns are my own, and I feel like it's not worth to be sharing it to others. Plus, until to this day, I still hate to show the weak side of me. People said that acknowledging your weaknesses is one way to grow, but because I acknowledge my weakness, I became afraid to show them. So in the end, I draw a line. "You only know me until to this part and no more" something like that.

It's a bad habit, I know.
But I'm scared. Because I know how fragile relationships are.
Today, you are the closest person to them, next day, you can be a stranger to them.
They can be your everything and the next day they are nothing to you either.

Because I know, I am afraid.
Because I am fragile too.
new past