Right now, I have been battling with my inner self. I am trying to be as positive as I want to be but I could not. I wonder if there really is something wrong with me?

You see, lately I have some sort of conflicts with my parents. I made a mistake with my choices, and somehow I feel like I become the burden to them. My dad keeps bringing up the issue, saying why I was fool for making that kind of decision that leads troubles to them now. I really did troubles my parents, with all those fucking procedures. I told mom, if it really troubles them, I would be willing to wait more until the opportunity comes again, but she said she will try to solve this now for my sake. I feel really bad. What is more worst, I questioned her intention. Is it really for my sake? or is it because you don't want any failure in the family?

I rarely made troubles for my parents. Because since I was a little, I always feel the need to always achieve something and should not trouble them. Many of my relatives said how a good kid I was, I always behave, quiet, and not making troubles. I rarely spoke any words. I rarely asked for anything. Even if I wanted a toy, I bite my lips so that I won't said it. So that I won't trouble with my parents. I went along with everything they wanted for me. As I grew up, I realised that it was not normal behavior for a kid.

Dad was always mad at me when I cried. I was a crybaby (still now actually), until that one day, my dad locked me in a dark room, with no window, just because I didn't stop crying. I still remember vividly how I was really scared back then. I still remember how I really tried to jump to switch on the light but couldn't because I was too short. That is the last time, I cried to my parents. Can you imagine, whenever I wanted to cry or feel sad, mom said she realised that I made a dumb-founded face intentionally. When I was left alone, that was the moment I let my tears out without giving out a ny sound because I was afraid Dad will punish me again for crying. That is not a normal behavior for a kid. Right now, it became the habit of mine to not show my fragile side. It became a habit of mine, whenever I feel so weak and sad, I will swallow it to myself. It became a habit of mine to tell people that I'm alright when I'm not. I'm sure my friends do realise this, since everything shows on my face, but I never open up to them. I never told them my troubles. I will left them hanging with questions and after a while, I was back to the 'normal' me.

When I was a kid, whenever my lil bro made troubles, mostly the blame will be put on me. Because  I am the sister. I didn't took care of my younger brother well. My parents always praise him since he was pretty much a bright kid. He learns quickly. Unlike me. As for me, I guess my special ability is hardworking. You know, I used to be that one kid who could not read. I knew Mom was worried about me. Maybe she thought I didn't understand her conversation with my aunts, but I did. So, I worked really hard to be able to read. I tried to excel in everything that I could, at least can be considered as good, so that I won't disappoint them. I don't want them to worry me since I know both of them are very busy. They are tired everyday. At least, this is what I can do as their child, I think. Plus, Dad always said I need to be a good example to my lil bro. That's why, I why, I think I need to be successful.

As I grew up, my dad soften a bit. He rarely got mad, just always nagging. Slowly, I started to open up and loosen up myself. I become more talkative than before. I started to state out what I want, what I really want to do. I started to say what is on my mind.

But then, when this thing happened, it somehow made me having negative thoughts. Since Dad always bringing up my mistakes, it feels like he is telling me that I can't make any mistakes. I thought making a bad decision is a part of learning, no? I thought, it's alright now, for me to make mistakes? Does this mean, dad won't accept the fragile me? Does this mean, I need to be the always perfect kid? I thought I won't have the need to become the mannequin I used to be anymore? Does this mean, I better of become that mannequin again? Am I troubles to you, Dad? Mom too... slowly, I started to lose my faith on you. You always so wise and cool-headed, you are my inspiration, but there are times I feel that you are a bit cold. I still remember when I told you about there was a kid that tried to commit suicide but failed, you said that person only brings trouble to people around her. I was so scared. What if there will be a time when I will think about committing suicide one day? Will you neglecting me then? Will you think I only bring troubles then? Am I right now a trouble to you?

I want to tell them on what I have been feelings, but I know Dad won't listen to me until the end. He is just impatient. Plus, he has his ego for not losing. I am afraid, he will get mad and it made me feel worse than I have now. As for mom, Im scared of telling her. She once told me I was too overthinking. Plus, Im not good with words. My actions too, I always end up hurting people around me.

Im tired. I feel suffocated. My head hurts.

Please God, stop these negative thoughts. I love them, I really do.