"You cannot go into battle believing you will lose."

Akisame Koetsuji
(Kenichi: The Mightiest Disciple)
I have the sudden urge to write. Probably it's time for me to rant it out.

I was doing better in my first semester ( I mean, in a way of how to deal with life or my own emotions. If you asked about my grades, I actually did better in 2nd second semester ). I am always looking forward to new challenges so I did looking forward on how it is my life in university when I was in first semester. Plus, I am taking the course that I really love. I know that since I was a kid, I really like to draw, really like to see every visual stuff around me, love cartoons (until now haha), like to hear variety type of music or sound and love to read the wisdom of words in each novels or articles. Yes, all of those things are what we called 'art'. So I am very happy to be taking "fine art" in my university life and strive for it to pursue my dream. 

But there is something that I actually keep silent about. At first, I do not know how to describe this feeling because it's complicated. And I actually feel ashamed to admit it especially to the people who love me. 

Have you ever feel so lonely even though there are a lot people around you? I do have friends, some from my batch in the same department (well, since not many people taking fine art or other courses in art, basically we just know everyone in it. We even know every our seniors and lecturers too), I also make friends with people in other courses through my roommate, and join volunteering activities... But I don't know. Despite having so many people, I feel so lonely. 

I'm not actually an introvert, I'm just your typical ambivert. I like to be alone, yet in the same time I search for social settings and company. I can be talkative yet there are times I am so quiet. So... yeah I know that much about myself. For those who know me, you will label me as a mature (except when it comes to anime or manga or cartoons haha), confident, independent, responsible, someone you can depends on, to be conclude the 'strong women' type. To be honest, I act opposite when I am with my family. Trust me, I am the most childish in my family, irresponsible as heck. It's not that I'm faking but it's just automatic on how I act around people. Even my mom said that she realised that I act differently with other people compared to what I act around my family. She said, it's just that's who I am. And she also knows, I tend to make people see me as a strong person but actually so fragile inside. 

About the lonely feeling, I just... don't know. I think it already started since I was a kid because I was a very shy kid back then and I admit that I don't really have friends until I moved to the city of Kuala Lumpur (Its not that weird actually because that explained well why I felt lonely). Thanks Norhaslinda for being my very first friend. Even though I don't know where are you now or how have you been, but if someday, or if you are happen to read this, I want you to know that I really am glad that we become friends. I am very happy when you invited me to play with the other kids and I am very happy, that you reached out to me that time.

But still, I think it's REALLY weird that now, even when I already have friends, and already hanging around with other people, and yet I realised that this feeling actually there all along. Like it never disappear. Sometimes it freak me out. Like when I was hang out with my friends, we sit and chit-chatting about this and that, while doing so, I keep on chatting with a smile on my face, but I kinda feel sad and lonely on the inside all of sudden. It feels like everyone was so far away. Like they were not here with me. It feels like if I take one step closer to them, they will disappear.

And so, when I entered university, somehow that feeling got worsen? I become more pessimistic than I was in high school. I feel like I'm changing. I don't even laugh the same anymore, I don't smile the same, or talk the same, I feel tired and feel like I fake it all. I did cried more in university. Of course, when my roommate was not in the room and when I was alone. I'm glad my mom is always there for me on the other side of the phone even tho I know how tired she is with her work and at home. There were times, I called her but she only listened to me crying. Not a word coming from my mouth. Just sobbing. She was also just there, listening without saying any words. Probably she knows that I just need someone to know that I'm not that strong and need someone to give a shoulder to cry to? And probably she knows that I don't really know how to explain the feeling? Really, without her, I don't think I have a place to cry on. At least, after giving a call to my mom, I feel better.

I am still happy with my life. Like I have good family, good friends, good life. But just this mysterious feeling is weird. It scared me out. Like I don't even know the reason for it. Well this thing probably normal, but I know that my problem is I never open up to someone so I don't know if it's normal or not. I'm no good with words.

That was kind of depressing. haha sorry.
But it's true,
This is kind of personal but hey, it's my blog so let it slide this time.
I know I'm thinking too much haha.

new past